I'm trying. I want to do better than I am. I feel like I'm getting somewhere, but as ever the question is 'where am I going?'.
I want every friend I have to know that much of my happiness derives from their successes and happiness and that I hurt along with them despite my facade.
I'm trying not to be hurt easily. I read something recently that hurt me, and I will develop thicker skin.
Anyway, I got a funny e-mail today. I sent off a couple of old phones to a local shelter. My friend is the director of the org and she asked if I wanted my 1989 Chris Sabo Topps baseball card. I used an old box I had to ship the phones and apparently this baseball card was stuck in the flap. I told her to raffle it off *
*(cash value $0.50)
Positive self-image is hard. I just unloaded all my nasty thoughts on a friend - these thoughts had built up over WEEKS of doing my best to change my thinking. The problem is that my jokes always had the same punchline: me. It's hard changing what I was always good at doing. I do think I've gotten funnier in the past few weeks, but it's hard to break away. It's hard to gauge success in these endeavours; I don't know what success is here. I have made new friends, but would they have liked me as a more self-hating person? Some people would have.